Whenever I see wiring as mythical, interesting and colorful as a red and blue double tap, I am encouraged to search out what other wonders a panel box has in store!
I was not disappointed. Knowing that this house had been remodeled (and it was, um, beautiful), I could tell it was not professional and this will always lead to further fun.
Excitedly tearing open the panel box, which, admittedly was a little like Christmas morning for a 10 year old, I couldn't wait to see what was in store!
But it stopped me short!
Looking carefully it took me a minute. But, finally, I recognized what was there for me.
Wiring totally alien to this planet!
Yes, it's true. I was looking at alien wiring - and my interplanetary encounter with Zorplon.
Not believing it could be happening to me, I sort of felt faint as I began dissecting and analyzing what was before me. Zorplon is an intra-galaxy spheroid, sure, but still, it's not Earth!
I felt the vapors coming on!
Don't think logic at this point! Our sophomoric, Earth logic does measure up to Zorplonian Analysis.
Zorplonian electricians, called Zorplistas, worship an ancient logic from long ago in their historical cycles - they follow Zorplato.
Clear your mind as I point out to you the brilliance of what is before you!
Having this in their CEU classes, of course, home inspectors can start skimming now because they are familiar with the concepts, though I bet few, if any really, have seen this first hand.
Remember, there was substantial remodeling in the house. The kitchen had been totally changed. Appliances were moved. Wiring had to be moved around as well.
Don't follow the labels on the panel box because they were written with, as I said, sophomoric Earthly logic. Let's begin:
- The first breaker in the upper left is a 30amp breaker. Those are 50amp cables servicing it, so even though it's labeled "GFI" we know it's much, much more important than that.
- Just underneath that one is a 50amp breaker, wired, ingeniously, with a 20amp cable. Zorplato would teach that this is a form of worship, and just knowing that 50amps are available is enough, and this 20amp cable might, therefore, never need to trip. That's right, it symbolizes Zorplonian immortality. Labeled "Lights and plugs," this might now service all the electrical needs of everything plugged in! Sweet!
- Notice the 40amp breaker just under the 50amp. We begin the downward progression so indicative of Zorplistas. We know it's more important because it is serviced with 30amp cables. The label said "Dryer" but I knew that wasn't true because the dryer, brilliantly, was wired with its own odd cable which I could trace out of the box. So, what would a Zorplista be saying? I'm guessing a toaster oven, or maybe the microwave installed in a kitchen cabinet obviously cut out with a circular saw and held in place with brackets and drywall screws.
- The Zorplonian logic continues as the downward progression continues. Next there is a 30amp breaker, wired with a 15amp cable, labeled "Dinning Room." There is a red cable! It might have controlled not only the walls there but the 3-way light switch! Like a lioness in the brush, this breaker obviously uses the original (sophmoric) wiring, but services something other than people's "dinning." Just waiting to strike, what is it intending to do? Zap the new electric cook top maybe? Or one of the two wall ovens? I shivered with excitement, not knowing, but seeing the wondrous Zorplato displayed! My brow was wet with excitement! My mouth was dry!
- The 30amp immediately under that one is not a downward progression! What could it mean? Then it struck me! The downward array of breakers is being framed by two 30s, high and low! How do I know? Few know that the Oreo Cookie and BLT club sandwich was each designed with Zorplato Logic. Such logic frames everything. What is above is below. We might say: the first shall be last. IT'S BRILLIANT!
Just knowing I was in the presence of such wiring had me sucking wind like I had just finished a 400 meter dash!
And knowing, yes KNOWING, that other home inspectors reading this are full of jealousy and envy right now, well, that just sends a thrill up my leg!
My recommendation: if ever your home inspector begins to swoon in front of a panel box, not, hopefully after touching something he shouldn't have, but really swoons, get him something to towel off with and wait for the explanation. You might realize how lucky you are to be in the presence of ALIEN WIRING!
I could tell that my client, a former (earthly) electrician, was just as impressed as I.
Oh! Did you see how I framed that sentence with the letter "I!?" Zorplato! I am enlightened!
Oh, this post is tongue in cheek. All that wiring is unprofessional and dangerous. And I nearly swooned for real. I feel the vapors coming on even now...
Jay Markanich Real Estate Inspections, LLC
Based in Bristow, serving all of Northern Virginia.
Office (703) 330-6388 Cell (703) 585-7560